Conversations with Victoria

 A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw a neighbour hanging the washing outside. “That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap”.   Her husband looked on remaining silent. Every time her neighbour hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments. A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband “look she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?” The husband replied, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows”. This amusing analogy reflects daily life. How often do we see things through our own narrow perspective and rush to judgement? What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look. We can see this in almost any ordinary situation. How frequently do eye-witness accounts of the sam...

Tribune Nassau, Bahamas column for September 10 th 2019. The headline, a phrase you probably heard more than once growing up, has never been more meaningful than now in the catastrophic wake of Hurricane Dorian. So many residents and international persons, groups and agencies are doing just that acting selflessly - bringing their heart, their strength, their skills to the afflicted islands of The Bahamas, leaving the comfort and safety of their own homes to help wherever possible. Deep gratitude are words that come to mind but I think Archbishop Desmond Tutu described the quality of humanity more aptly when he explained the meaning of the word ‘Ubuntu’ saying that “it speaks of the very essence of being human. We say So-and-so has ubuntu meaning you are generous, you are hospitable, you are friendly, caring and compassionate. You share what you have. It is to say - my humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up in yours’. We belong in a bundle of life. We say a person is a ...

Tribune (Nassau, Bahamas) Column August 20 th 2019 Criticism - sometimes hard to take but often too easy to dish out. Yet criticism can be invaluable in understanding yourself, your emotions and your reactions. Like most things in life we can choose for it to be a positive or a negative experience when on the receiving end. In the best scenarios all criticism would be delivered with empathy and positive words, to engage us rather than confront us. But even when it is not carefully worded, there will be value in it as long as we can control our response.  This is particularly important in work situations - where we have to make sure we keep it in context and be extra vigilant not to take criticism as a personal affront, whether it is about attitude, an idea, a methodology or a project. No-body is right all the time and much as we like to think we are the ones in the right, it never hurts to listen. There will always be alternate points of view whether we agree with them ...

Column for Tribune (Nassau, Bahamas) August 13 th 2019 How do we define happiness? If we were asked each of us would probably offer up a different answer or perhaps struggle for the answer. We often seem to think that happiness is or should be a kind of permanent blissful state with no interruptions or downside and that if we don’t feel that way, then something is wrong. If the question were framed differently as in ‘what makes you happy” then we would get a string of answers such as spending time with my family or significant other or my friends, going out for dinner; good things but more often than not it will be shopping for a new purse or a pair of shoes, going to the spa and so on. But some of those are temporary pastimes albeit enjoyable ones and when the ‘high’ or feeling of achievement has worn off, very often we suffer from ‘post-buyer blues’. Eventually we recognise that happiness is not continuous. Human emotions go up and down subject to external happenings and ...

Tribune (Nassau, Bahamas) column for August 6 th 2019 The Change of Life - is a phrase usually applied to women going through menopause and, more often than not, is regarded as a negative happening both during that phase and when it is completed. True, for some women it can be a difficult time with distressing, painful physical and emotional symptoms and much credence has been given historically to the theory ,along with many other myths, that it will automatically make the woman a lesser person, diminished by the fact that childbearing is no longer an option. We need to change that conversation first in our own heads so that we can then influence society’s skewed perception that this is another downhill stop on the route to old age. In today’s world of connectivity there is no logical reason for this thinking. We are living longer, have more access to information, medical help, exercise, diet options, recreation and entrepreneurial opportunities and communicating with each other...

Written for the Tribune, Nassau, Bahamas. July 23rd 2019. The title of this column is deliberately ambiguous to enable a conversation about my two intended meanings: the necessity of so-called ‘networking’ for business purposes and when or how it does or doesn’t work, with particular emphasis on how women perceive the use of networking. The following viewpoint, my own, may well be controversial as it is the opposite of current conventional thinking. My personal bias as a female who has had a diverse business background, is that (a) I really dislike the word ‘networking’ and (b) how it is used exclusively by women as if we collectively need some sort of special help to navigate the world of business. Perhaps in some instances we do but I have never heard a man or a group of businessmen use that word. Yet they make connections which may come in useful in their particular line of work and call upon those contacts when appropriate, but they make them in the ordinary course of thei...

Tribune column for July 16 th 2019. Change of any kind is an adventure. The question is how you view this challenge? Is your attitude towards it positive, to be anticipated with excitement and interest as to the outcome or does it seem frightening and uncomfortable? The answer for most people will probably be a bit of both. Whether we decide to make certain changes or whether they happen to us and they will, we have to learn how to handle them for the best possible outcome, even in a negative situation.  Obviously there’s good change and bad change, some changes are small and others bigger but either way change of any kind exerts stress on us and while it can be energy draining, our attitude will make the difference to our reaction either enhancing or diminishing its impact on us. We can change the kind of clothes we wear, our lipstick, or our nail polish - little things that may lift our spirits - or we can take a day off and go sit in the sun, visit with a friend or s...

The Tribune column, Nassau, Bahamas. June 25th 2019. “Living well is the best revenge” is a quote from George Herbert a 16 th century poet. I don’t know what his motive or meaning was but my interpretation which I apply to my own life is that to do so means making the best of whatever life throws at us - and making it count. One interpretation could mean living high off the hog with a lavish lifestyle requiring money to spend on expensive habits or acquiring things - cars, houses, clothes, luxurious holidays or entertainment. But those are superficial ‘things’. If you want them and can afford them (key words) and they give you pleasure then go for it. But the word “superficial” is important because although enjoyable, they are not a foundation on which to build a happy and rewarding life. At best, they are an enhancement which may (or in many cases) may not bring you sustained contentment.    My perspective says living well means building a solid base of inner st...

Tribune column June 18 th 2019 Nassau, Bahamas. Get up, Dress Up, Show Up. Words and an attitude to live by. To be our best and live our best lives, we need to take those words and elevate that attitude to another level. To live our best lives we first need to challenge the illusion of perfection. It doesn’t exist. Those of us who think perfection is the ultimate sign of success are destined for a path lined with frustration and anxiety. It is unrealistic. Chasing perfection is debilitating, counter-productive and tantalisingly always just out of reach making satisfaction impossible. Instead  we need to choose the realistic and reachable target of being the best we can be and giving the best of ourselves to everything we do. With this philosophy we will gain a sense of accomplishment when we focus our energy and put our best foot forward all the time. We do this by being authentic and congruent so that all the pieces of our particular puzzle fit neatly where they should i...

“Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well”. This is a quote by Robert Louis Stevenson, author of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, Treasure Island, Kidnapped and other classics. Sage words of advice. Our expectation of how life should be treating us often doesn’t match up with the  reality of our circumstances. While it is true that we don’t get to choose where or to whom we are born; our ethnicity; or our socio/economic circumstances, we do have a choice as to how we view them and subsequently what we make of them. We can whine and complain and do nothing which will leave us stuck or we can decide to make our lives the best they can be in our particular circumstances. That being said, the mind-shift is in our hands, hearts and heads. We can choose to see the proverbial half-full glass or the half empty one. We can choose to be envious of a person we think has had more opportunity, maybe a better education or a more comfort...

Have you written yourself the starring role in your life story?   Are you the leading lady or the understudy waiting in the wings? Perhaps your carefully considered choices although right at the time have evolved into something different than originally anticipated. Life has a way of “getting in the way” and sending us in a different direction making it necessary to re-assess. Are we where we want to be or at least heading in the right direction?   Many times we find ourselves juggling the needs and obligations of family and work and getting lost in the process or at the very least setting aside our own priorities, relegating them to “later”? It’s important in our caring capacity that we include our own goals and wishes in the mix. If we are not whole and healthy it is going to be very difficult to sustain an appropriate balance with family, friends or colleagues. Given the perceived traditional roles, we have to be pro-active. I am not advocating thoughtless selfishn...

Tribune, May 21st 2019. Last week in this column I talked about the significant role older women will take on in the future growth of western economies both as consumers and providers. Although it is already happening, governments and corporations have failed to acknowledge or take advantage of this. The concept of aging is changing as both men and women in developed nations have a longer life expectancy than ever before. The Longevity Economy by Joseph F. Coughlin is a factual, easy-to-read and informative analysis but it seems there is still a long way to go before we get a major shift of the communal psyche to abandon the prejudice and accept this evolution as a modern reality.  Instead of calling aging a concept, we should call it a construct. A construct which has suited society politically and economically up until now but which is narrow-minded and short-sighted compartmentalising more than 50% of the population into a role deemed to be of lesser value. It denies ...

“We Will Rock You” I am unapologetically making the case for shining the spotlight on older women. Their ability and willingness to continue contributing to society should not be de-valued because of an artificial mathematical deadline. Let’s deconstruct the aging myth that allows older men to still be considered attractive, interesting and respected but sticks a “best by” label on women then parks us on an imaginary shelf as if we should accept becoming passively invisible.  What is not a myth is that the world is becoming more female-centric and for several good reasons. Let’s examine the facts, some of which have been stated by Joseph T. Coughlin of MIT: he says women are better prepared for life after middle age than most men. Ask any man in your family or friends what they plan to do when they retire and they will usually respond with something along the lines of ‘can’t wait to stop work and put my feet up, maybe travel or play more golf. Ask a woman and she will ...